I’m not going to lie. I’ve tried it. It began with simply dipping my digital toe into the water and escalated to a point where I found myself in the middle of online dating’s version of the Pacific Ocean.
I was drowning, and I’m a hell of a good swimmer. Yet…I’m a guy. We must get one tenth of the solicitations women get, or so I thought. If I am being hounded this much on my end, what must women on the other end be experiencing and witnessing? Wow! Did I find out.
We all desire to be desired. It’s not a secret. It’s not a conclusion we can’t get to. It’s simply lost in the shuffle of finding, and keeping, the opposite sex. Online dating fuels our narcissism. Oddly enough, having an online dating profile doesn’t MEAN you’re a narcissist. It just means you’re on your way.
When I was online, I was honest. Turns out that’s a no-no. Fabricate, fabricate, fabricate. I was later told, THAT is what you are supposed to do. But why? I’m looking for a partner not a one night stand. THAT I can get at any local bar within a one mile radius of where I live. So then, what in the hell is the point in online dating?
It is now January 24th and I have listened to a number of “experts” give advice to finding your true-love through online dating in the new year. Some of the advise is sound, some isn’t. One program even proved my point when they had a 20-something woman post a fake profile with information 99% of the population would be turned off by, and STILL she received hundreds of men begging for attention.
I’ve been swirling around a number of social media outlets for a number of years. While I use the HH moniker, anyone with half a braincell can take a beat and find out what the HH stands for. Yet, I get at least a half a dozen guys a day thinking I’m a woman who can be hit on. I’m dumbfounded when that happens yet I understand it because I’m familiar with these types of guys. I’ve had enough blue collar and white collar jobs with men of both shades that I know what makes them tick. For most (certainly not all) men, it’s a philosophy of: throw enough shit against a wall, eventually some will stick.
Sad to say, it’s true.
Just as most men (boys) give us real men a bad name, there are a LOT of women (girls) out there promoting a preconceived notion about the REAL women out there. It’s my conclusion that dating websites thrive on this. They too thrive on the chaotic hormonal needs between a man and a woman. After-all, we’ve agreed to solicit ourselves through our chosen “pimp” haven’t we? Whether it be: match or jdate or harmony, etc. We have chosen a corner of the internet to flaunt ourselves in order to grab the attention of someone who may drive by.
These companies do get a fee from us every month right? We upload our best pictures. We over-exaggerate. We trust they will put it all together in an online biography which will get us noticed. We’re all silent internet sluts.
As I mentioned at the beginning…I have done it. I’ve trusted a couple of the big names to match me to someone and boy did they. I was honest in my profile and honest with my pics. I felt that was the only way to get someone who connected with me. Turns out, it’s not about a lingering connection, but a superficial one.
I’m a writer. I could have posted myself as a male underwear model who night-owls as a fireman. It would have been easy enough I suppose. Of course if the relationship lasted for more than a date or two that would all begin to unravel and that’s not at all what I was looking for. I had enough plates spinning in the air with my normal day to day life, I didn’t need to add drama into the mix.
Because of the responses I received, I decided to do a little research into the responses women got from men while attempting online dating.
It turns out men fabricate more than women do. They don’t necessarily lie about their job or things they like to do. They paint themselves as romantics when they really aren’t. I’ve been told from a number of women that men will pull out all the stops for the first couple of dates then show their true selves if the relationship continues beyond that. Which of course sent the women back to the drawing board.
All of the women I spoke with had all received random penis pictures at some point during their online dating days. They were baffled as to why men would do such a thing and quite frankly I didn’t have an answer for them. I could only surmise that at some point in the past, a guy emailed a picture of his penis to a number of women and one of them responded positively. Maybe on purpose, maybe because she was a little tipsy and extra lonely one night. Who knows? I couldn’t find anyone who had jumped at the chance of roping a man with a narcissistic penis so I guess it will remain a mystery.
I found a couple of people, both male and female, that did have some long-term relationship luck with online dating. It didn’t happen for them the way it happens in the commercials though. They waded through a lot of muck and mire before they found someone who lasted more than a few dates. Their take on it was that out in the real world it would have taken them years to comb through that many people to find the one they were meant to be with. Online dating sped the process up for them. Allowed them to “cut to the chase” so to speak. If it worked for them it must work for others as well.
I want to here your experiences with online dating. Or stories of others in your inner circle who have. For some reason the media harps that the beginning of the new year is supposed to automatically light the fire of desire for a soul-mate. My take is that it happens when it happens. If you force it, it will never be real, never be authentic. So send me your stories below. If you want to remain anonymous that is always ok here.
Here’s what sucks about this post… I have to take time to write it at all. For over three years I’ve established friendships, I’ve acquired acquaintances, and there are a number of you I would jump in the middle of a monkey knife fight for. Yet, it seems I’ve pissed ONE person off so I feel the need to write this post.
Currently I have over 42,000 followers and I cherish all of you. However, it makes it hard to respond to each and every one of you. There is nothing more in my heart I’d like to do than to interact with all of you on a constant basis.
Any time I have a post I’ve put up on either my personal site or on the RomanceUniversity.org site, I will send out Tweets to about 200 of my closest followers. Two weeks ago, one of my first followers sent me a rather vial tweet regarding the fact I sent her a tweet asking for her opinion on a post. For the previous three years (yes I’ve done the math) I have suggested people follow her 1,003 times. I have asked her opinion on a post of mine 39 times. I have retweeted her 497 times. And, honestly, haven’t favorited a single tweet of hers.
Perhaps she’s going through something or maybe she finally chose to speak up, I’m not 100% certain. What I am certain about is that I absolutely refuse to upset any one of my friends, fans, or followers. There are less than .05% of you who receive a direct request from me. You truly are my inner circle. The ones I cherish the most, the ones I respect without doubting your intention. I don’t care if you have 1 follower or 1 million. Within the last three years I’ve learned where your heart lies and I’ll champion it with you.
I have proven myself in helping to promote other artists on my Twitter timeline as well as my blog. Quite frankly, I’ve promoted others before myself. I’m not looking for a pat on the back here I’m simply stating a fact. I’m a HUGE promoter of others. Which is why I was so pissed to get the tweet I received by someone I had helped for over 36 months.
She jumped down my throat with a “how dare you send me…” blah, blah, blah tweet. I took it in stride and rather stupidly replied to it. I received an electronic earful afterward to the point of twitter-blocking one of my first followers.
Once she was blocked, she infiltrated my FaceBook page and needed to be blocked from there as well.
I’ve been told these are the things to expect as my book comes to fruition. Yet…I’m not of the heart to piss someone off. Therefore, this is my appeal to those reading this…
I have a VERY thick skin. If you don’t want to be within my inner circle of friends, DM me and I’ll take you off my list. No harm no foul. And definitely no ill feelings. Guaranteed. However, if you are reading this and WANT to be added to my inner 2% then DM me and I’ll add you.
Social Media is an education in flux. We are all learning. We are all bobbing and weaving, depending on the circumstances…understandably. My purpose with this post is that I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want to be here to be here. Tell me, bow out, run. I don’t judge. What I do do is support, promote, help for the lifetime of…anyone who sticks around.
Loyalty is in my DNA. Quite frankly, to a fault. Ask around.
So to those who wish to stick around…Thank You from the bottom of my heart. I promise to bring these posts back to Romance, Love, and Lust in the coming weeks and months. If you have something you would like a light shined on, let me know and I’ll help you out as best I can. (On a side note…I don’t spam or help others to.) Books, Blogs, Poetry, Articles, etc are the things I’ll help with.
I will ask that you send me your request directly through Twitter though. Or even my email for those of you who have it. If you simply mention it in your timeline, unless I happen to be looking at Twitter at the moment, I’ll miss it. You can add either @DanceOfRomance or @The_Real_HH into your tweet and I’ll get it.
When I started on Twitter three years ago, it was easy to keep up. Now…not so much. I apologize if something you wanted me to either comment on or reply to fell through the cracks. It wasn’t intentional.
Now that I have that off my chest, I’m going to hit the gym and release the rest of it there. I have a post coming up on Friday the 6th at RomanceUniversity.org. I’ll be tweeting my 2% with a link to my post and look forward to hearing your thoughts.
As always, if there is anything I can do for any of you, please let me know.
(Fair warning…this post is more of a rant, but I’d like to believe a rant with a purpose. HH)
I’m a busy man right now. Perhaps too busy for my own good. Yet…I’m going to take a moment and write my frustrations out over something which is such a common occurrence, I even heard Regis Philbin use the term Selfie, correctly in a sentence the other morning.
Ladies, please dial back the Selfie epidemic. I am a hot-blooded, red-meat eating (sorry vegans), whisky swillin’, woman lovin’ man as you will ever find; yet your Selfie is an instant turn-off. I’m talking about those bathroom shots… those alone shots when obviously you’re feeling needy of some attention. Please don’t do it. Call a friend, call a sibling, email a pen-pal. Dial back your knee-jerk response to unintended insecurities.
I’m going to come off all “dad-like” with this post but quite frankly I don’t care. Here’s why…
I’m no saint. Yet, there are men out there like me who genuinely appreciate the gentle solitude a woman’s touch and heart can bring. We can admire you, take you in, even mentally salivate when we think you’re not noticing. Deep down, we’re cavemen. Simple souls really, with fits of complicated chaos. Over time, I’d like to think we’ve evolved a bit but I wouldn’t be one of only a handful of men writing romance in a world of 7 Billion people if we had. Still…there is a reason for the cliché, “Why should they buy the cow when they can have the milk for free?” (Full disclosure…I was the recipient of that exact phrase. My response…here.)
You see ladies, as much as you think men want to see what you have to offer, we really don’t. Are we curious? Hell yes. Do we speculate and wonder? Oh yeah. Are we men doing what men do in these situations? Yoooou betcha. So why take it all away with a Selfie riddled with sexual undertones? Your camera-phone positioned above so cleavage is conveniently inserted into the shot? Or duck lips? Who the hell started THAT and thought it was sexy? Or better yet…and even more degrading, you and your girlfriend in a feigned lesbian moment. Does it get a guy all hot and bothered for a moment? Yes…just not the right ones you would like to be courted by.
Just so we’re clear…this is a two-way street. We have our Anthony ‘Weiners’ in the mix. Quite frankly, to this day I get the occasional ‘penis pic’ by DM on my Twitter account because for some reason they think, because I deal in Romance, that I’m a woman. (That is SO not an ok thing to do!) As men, we are guilty too. Personally I’ve never done it because I just don’t get it. Have I sent pics of me to someone I’m with, of course I have. But it was for them and them only.
From a Man’s standpoint (not a guy’s), we CAN compete with others but we don’t want to have to; much like yourselves. Therefore, your Selfies put us in a precarious position. If we are interested in you, do we REALLY want to compete with the other 1000+ guys on your FaceBook page who just watched your video of you Twerking with your girlfriends? What really is left for us to surmise?
Mystery, ladies. Mystery is the draw when it comes to men. If you want a man-child…keep doing what you’re doing. If you want a man…mystery is where it lies.
I’ve done the math required for this post… Age, plus technological aptitude, minus social responsibility, plus alcohol consumed, plus desirability of the opposite sex and… at any age for a man, it comes to the same conclusion: If you don’t wan’t to be treated as an object, stop acting like one.
I mentioned earlier that this post would come off all “dad-like” and it has. Fine. But for TRUE romance to flourish, it has to be intimate and there is nothing intimate once what you have to be intimate with has been shown to X thousand people on Twitter and FB.
This post was inspired by a Tweet I saw which read, “Well, son, your dad saw one of my Selfies and the rest is history.” I suppose in some circles that rings romance. It just doesn’t in mine.
Romancers! This is my first time with all of you. (so to speak)
I mean, I’ve never done this before with anyone.
So please…be gentle.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to do it.
I really have. After-all, everyone else is doing it so why shouldn’t I?
I suppose my reasoning is because I haven’t found the right one yet.
That is…until today. :)
Fellow Romancers, while my intro is tongue in cheek there is a seriousness behind it. I don’t do what I’m about to do lightly. Don’t get me wrong, I am a frontrunner of championing other authors, I’m just a bit gun-shy when it comes to singing their praises. I’ve tried it. Even had a page on this site which is now gone, titled: “Must-Read Blogs”. After promoting everyone else’s work and (barely) getting a thank you, I realized how narcissistic writers can be. MaryAnn Kempher is not one of those writers. She has been a friend, a fan (of even me), and a solid force in the up and coming world of published authors.
Because of all of the above, I am PROUD to share this space with MaryAnn, whose first Romantic Suspense Novel: Mocha, Moonlight, and Murder is now available on Amazon!
So…without further adieu, (clichéd but I want to get to this. MaryAnn Kempher!
Let’s begin by you telling us a little about yourself.
Thank you for hosting me Handsome. I’m married with two great kids. I live near Tampa, Florida and I spent my teen years living in Reno NV where this story is set.
Tell me a little bit about Mocha, Moonlight, and Murder. Where did the idea for your story originate?
Mocha, Moonlight, and Murder is Romantic Suspense. I tell people if you like Jane Austen and/or Agatha Christie, you’ll love this book. It has romance, and mystery, suspense, and comedy. The romance is very realistic, very friendship-based, and doesn’t come easy. Katherine and Scott were made to harass each other. Because they start as friends, and aren’t trying to get each other into bed, they’re not afraid to give each other a hard time, this makes for some very funny dialogue. Also, the waiting (to sleep together) ensures great sexual tension for them, and the reader. It also gives their romance a solid foundation.
Well, let me say that I have read it and was hooked from beginning to end. What motivates you to write?
Well, what motivated me to finis Mocha, Moonlight, and Murder was my family. Mostly my daughter who just turned 13. She was so proud of me and my writing, I wanted to be a good role model for her; to show her that even when things don’t come easy you should finish what you start. I keep writing because it’s fun for me as well.
Have you been writing long?
I’ve always liked writing. I never minded the essays and term papers required in school. However, it wasn’t until 2008 that I sat down at the computer intent on writing a book.
Do you have a routine when you write? A method to your writing?
Yes and no. I try to get in front of the computer every week-day by about ten am, but I’m not as disciplined as I should be. Sometimes I spend more time tweeting, or checking Facebook or my email account than I do writing. Then other times, I sit down and the words just seem to flow. I’ll look down and realize I’ve written a thousand words. Those are the best days.
Do you have any other works in progress?
Yes. It’s not exactly a sequel, but a lot of the characters from my first book will be in this one too. Readers could read this book on its own, but will enjoy it more if they read my first book first. That way they’ll feel like they’re running into old friends in instead of just meeting them.
Can you give us a hint about the next book?
I’ll tell you it’s set on a cruise ship. Two people have been murdered and it’s up to the head of security to find out who before the ship reaches land. Honestly, I’m really excited about this book. I really think if you liked my first book, you’re going to love this one too.
Where can your book be purchased?
June 11-15, it’s available on Amazon.com. for FREE for Kindle users.
After those dates it will still be fairly inexpensive, at only $2.99 for Kindle users. It can also be purchase as a paperback at http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B00CDNQ37Q?tag=wp-amazon-associate-20
Thanks so very much, MaryAnn for your time and insight into your current as well as next project.
I understand you can also be reached at the following addresses:
MaryAnn, I thank you so much for sharing your work with us. I truly enjoyed your book!